


Dear Steve

by thegirloutoftime



Category: Agent Carter (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, F/M, How Do I Tag, I Write This Because Of Dissatisfaction, I'm Bad At Tagging, Spoilers, Steggy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-07 10:30:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6800038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirloutoftime/pseuds/thegirloutoftime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve received a diary and a letter from Peggy, after her funeral.<br/>(I feel like more Peggy should be included in Civil War )<br/>And I am really not into the idea of Steve being with Sharon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Steve

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first piece of work, and English is actually not my first language, so there may be a few (a lots) mistakes.
> 
> Do I have to disclaim anything? I'm confused...  
> Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Marvel.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. I've never written this much and this hard.  
> Tell me what you think;)

Steve was surrounded by the Avengers, they were discussing, well, arguing should be the right term, about the bomb, the Sokovia Accords, that just dropped right in front of the Avengers’ faces. Steve was sure what side he's taking, he also knew Tony was gonna take the opposite. Yet, he couldn't bend his own will to listen to the government, not after he destroyed SHIELD coz it's corrupted with Hydra. After all those fights he had been through, the one thing he learned by heart, was never trust the government nor the system, ever again.

It was quite clear that the Avengers were taking different sides, Steve knew the Accords would tear them apart, the Avengers would be divided.Steve was trying to reason with Tony, but he knew Tony wouldn't go against the government this time, coz guilt was eating his heart out. Steve was trying to pay attention to the discussion that has been ongoing, the argument between Sam and Rodney, but all of a sudden, his phone rang, he received a message.

_She's gone. In her sleep._

‘I have to go.’ Steve made his way out of the room, the Avengers were confused, Steve doesn't usually leave in the middle of a discussion.

He held his phone tight in his hand, and walked out as fast as possible, yet Natasha saw his trembling hands. ‘Steve.’ Natasha tried to call him, but he didn't look back. He couldn't coz he's afraid if he stopped and looked back, his friends would see him in tears. And no one, except for Bucky and Peggy, could see him in tears coz he's supposed to be strong.

And now Bucky's gone to gods-know-where, and Peggy, his best girl, was gone in her sleep, and he didn't even get to see her for the last time. His eyes were full of tears, one blink, they would all fall down.

He locked himself in his room, staring at his phone, staring at the message, staring at the unbearable truth that torn his heart into pieces, she was dead.

Sometimes, Steve wondered how long did it take Peggy to grieve him, to ease the pain, to move on from him, or... did she ever think of him at all? After all, there was only just one kiss. Though before their first kiss which sad to say also the last kiss, he knew Peggy was, is and will ever be his right partner, but now she was gone, she could never come back.

‘Steve?’ Nat knocked the door, ‘Are you alright?’ she could hear his sobs, her heart ached, she never saw Steve cried or shed a single tear, ever. She unlocked the door, went inside the room, and saw Steve cuddling at the corner of the room, tears were streaming down his face. He looked so small, so broken.

‘What happened?’ Nat sat besides him, Steve couldn't bring himself to speak, he showed Nat the message. She was confused, a girl died...so? Steve sensed her confusion, ‘ Her name was Peggy Carter.’ Nat remember the name, Peggy Carter, she was the founder and the first director of SHIELD, she was the legend, yet she didn't understand why Steve was so sad...unless Steve knew the director…

‘She was the founder of SHIELD.’ Nat stated.’Yes, she was the founder of SHIELD, to you,’ Steve’s voice cracked ‘but to me, she is only Peggy Carter, the first girl that ever have faith in me, and I…’ Steve paused, he couldn't continue, but Nat got it ’And you love her, don't you?’ Steve nodded slightly, his face was now full of tears.

Natasha tried to set him up in the past few years, and each time, he refused, she thought Steve was just too shy for that, so she kept pushing, hoping he could finally find someone to rely on, but she never thought his heart was already taken, and now she can finally see it, his other half, his right partner, his home is Peggy Carter, and he just lost it.

No one in the Avengers knew about the feelings of Steve Rogers towards Peggy Carter because they only knew him as Captain America, not Steve Rogers. The relationship between Peggy and Steve was not on the record, and Steve just couldn’t open up to the Avengers, it’s not he didn’t trust them, but it just didn’t feel right to tell them about his greatest regrets, that’s why Peggy and Bucky were buried deep down in his heart. They never went official as they never got the chance, yet the Howling Commandos all knew how Steve and Peggy felt for each other, even though they never admitted it, the Howling Commandos, especially Bucky, still noticed how they looked at each other with so much love. Steve was so regretful that because of scared, he never made the first move, and now being with Peggy will always be his biggest ‘What if?’.

Steve took out his compass and opened it. Nat knew Steve always brings his compass with him, she thought the compass was just another old personal belonging, and it didn’t mean anything. She once asked him why bother to bring a old-fashioned compass while he could just use him phone or any SHIELD technologies, he just gave her gentle smile and did not say a word. She thought he was just trying to hide his embarrassment of not knowing how to use the modern technologies, but little did she know, the compass was the only thing he had that could remind him of Peggy. Inside the compass, was a picture of Peggy Carter, in black and white, yet Nat was amazed by her beauty and the stauch will shown through her eyes.

‘No wonder why you did not try to date.’ Nat put her arm around Steve’s shoulder, Steve felt like he was the little kid from Brooklyn again, he leaned on Nat shoulder, let all his tears fall down. The Avengers were standing outside the door, not knowing what’s happening, Nat waved them away, she knew Steve wouldn’t want the Avengers to see him like this right now. Clint looked at Natasha and Steve back and forth worriedly, ‘Go, I’ll explain later’ Nat mouthed.

‘Come on, go to your bed and get some sleep.’ Nat helped Steve up, and walked him to his bed. Steve climbed in, and tried to stop himself from crying. ‘Sleep well, Soldier.’Natasha walked out and locked the door as she knew he needed spaces. Steve held the compass right in front of his chest, where his heart were, and grabbed his phone tightly in his hand. Steve cried himself to sleep.

The Avengers were worried to death. When Natasha walked out, they immediately went to her for information. ‘ He received a message, he just lost someone.’ Nat explained. ‘Who?’ Tony asked, he had a cold feeling inside his stomach. ‘Peggy Carter.’ Nat was confused as she saw Tony collapsed on the floor, Rhoney rushed to his side. ‘Do you know her?’Nat asked. A tear was shed from Tony’s eyes,his voice was trembling,’Of course I know her, everyone who she was,’ Nat knew he was holding back’And?’ Nat tried to pushed him a bit, ‘And… she was my godmother.’ The others were so shocked, not only because it’s the first time they see the millionaire let a tear fall, also the fact that Peggy Carter was Tony’s godmother.

That night was tough for both Steve and Tony, Steve dreamt of Peggy that night, she was right in front of him, holding her hands out, ‘Are you ready for our dance?’ She was wearing the same red dress that she wore in the club years ago, her smile was so bright, her lips defined the colour red, she was gorgeous as always. Steve held his hands out, tried to reach for her, but... he got nothing, he wasn’t able to touch her, he wasn’t able to dance with her, he wasn’t able to keep his promise.

‘I’m sorry, Peg,’ Steve whispered,’I’m sorry for being late, for missing our date, for making you to wait so long. I’m sorry.’ Peggy shook her head slightly, and opened her mouth, tried to comfort him but then she vanished. Steve tried to grabbed her, but he couldn’t.

Tony didn’t sleep well last night too. He kept thinking of the good time that his Aunt Peggy spent with him. His father was never paying too much attention to him, unlike Howard, Aunt Peggy actually cared about Tony, he remembered how Aunt Peggy’s eyes lighted up every time she saw him, like he was the star in her sky. He remembered Aunt Peggy taught him to fight against the bullies, fight for his faith and belief. And Tony was always a good child to Peggy, he listened to Peggy more than he listened to his own mom. Aunt Peggy always told him a bedside story before he went to sleep, not those stupid fairytales, but the adventurous story of Captain America and the Howling Commandos, and while she was telling him the story, he noticed there were sadness in her eyes, but he never asked why.

When he grew a bit older, he got curious, he often wondered how did a stunning woman like Aunt Peggy end up being single? He asked her once, when he was punished by his father, and Aunt Peggy came to comfort him. Tony remembered she instantly teared up, she was about to cried,’Did i do anything wrong?’ Tony was afraid, he didn’t want to see his favourite Aunt Peggy cried.’No, sweetie, you did not do anything wrong,’ Aunt Peggy held her hand out,’come here, let me tell you a story of a brave, selfless man who sacrificed himself.’That was the day Tony learnt about Aunt Peggy’s right partner, who sacrificed his life in the war.

When Tony heard about Peggy’s death last night, his world shattered, no one could ever bring Tony to his own shame by one look, again. And by the reaction of Steve last night, Tony was quite certain that Steve Rogers was the one his Aunt Peggy kept dreaming about.

When Steve and Tony were both awoke in the morning, their eyes were red and puffy, they were clearly crying through the whole night. The Avengers did not say much, except a few ‘morning’, they had their breakfast in complete silence. So when Steve spoke up, the Avengers jumped a little bit.

’I’m going to London this afternoon.’ Steve announced quietly and left the table, no one dared to tell him that he had to go to UN for signing the Sokovia Accords in two days, they just watched him left.

The next few days a blur to Steve since he’s been helping Peggy’s funeral. He has to numbed himself, in order to help with the funeral, or else, he would be sitting beside Peggy’s coffin, crying till he’s run out of tears. Though Steve was offering help with Peggy’s funeral, he still could not believe that his best girl is gone, forever. But, when the funeral day came, he knew everything he didn’t want to face became true.

Steve was surprised when Sam poked him and pointed at the stage, Agent 13 was there, as it turned out she was the niece of Peggy, Sharon Carter. Steve learnt more about Peggy’s life, how she fought her way out of a world that no one wanted a woman to success. Steve always have faith in Peggy, as Peggy too, have faith in him. ‘Compromise, where you can. Where you can’t, don’t.’ Steve knew Peggy was giving him the guide that he needed, He knew what he had to do with the Sokovia Accords. This time he wouldn’t compromise anymore.

Steve thought the surprise ended here, but then Tony went up. ‘No need to be so surprise, Cap. Remember? My father and Aunt Peggy were friends.’ Tony joked half-heartedly.

‘For some of you who may not know, I am Tony Stark, the godson of Peggy Carter.’ and that really caught Steve by surprise.’To most of you, she was only the founder or the first director of SHIELD, but to me, she was neither the founder nor the first director of SHIELD. To me, she was only Aunt Peggy, the woman who cared about me more than she cared about herself.’ Tony’s voice cracked.

‘She was my second mom, she would help me with anything. While my father saw me as a failure, she saw me as the brightest star upon her sky, I'm so grateful that my father met such an amazing person, and usually I don't thank my dad for anything. Aunt Peggy’s life was complicated, it was full of adventures, and also tragedies. Many of you only known her as Director Carter, only saw her tough side, but with the years I grew up under her watch, I know she was also just a girl, she had her weak time, but every time, she overcame it, before anyone noticed.’

‘Yet, there was one thing I knew she never be able to let go of. She once told me she lost someone important in the war, everyone told her to move on, even her own self. But I knew better than that, she never moved on, everytime I looked at her, her eyes were full of heartbreaking sadness. I once asked her why, she told me ‘Because I can't give up on him, I have faith in him, and I know he will always come back, though he has a habit of being late.’ Tony looked at Steve, saw him smile a little.

‘It's faith that keep her going, faith is the most important thing that I learnt from her, coz she has faith in me, and I would not let her down.’ Tony left the stage with the slight applause.

Steve was supposed to go up and deliver the prepared speech, but he decided to throw it away.

‘Peggy was the most stubborn person I have ever met, well maybe beside myself. She was one of those people who had seen the good in me before I was turned into a super soldier, she kept her faith in me, without her trust, I would only be a dancing monkey touring around the country, selling bond tickets. She made me see what I'm supposed to be, and she helped me through every up and down, especially the time when I thought my best friend died, she was always there for me. And I'm grateful for that. Though Peggy is now gone, she will always be in my heart, guiding me to the right place, to the right choice.’ Steve had so much more to say but he couldn't continue coz everything he wanted to say next, they were only meant for Peggy.

Both Tony and Steve were carrying the coffin out of the church. The nearer they got to the grave, the stronger the feels of not wanting to let go built. Steve wasn't yet ready for it, he was not ready to let her go. Steve helped buried her, so as Tony, after Peggy great nieces put her into the grave, and about to cover the coffin with mud, ‘Stop...please…’ Steve stopped them, ’Can you please give me a minute?’ the great nieces left, leaving Tony and Steve standing beside the grave.

‘You know, she never forget you, even when she was suffering from her memory loss.’ Tony stared at the coffin.

’I know.’

‘It'll not be easy, take some time.’ Tony petted his shoulder, and left him alone. Steve spent his morning staring at Peggy’s coffin, trying to accept that she is really gone. When Tony and the great nieces came back after an hour or so, they buried the coffin.

The others went back to the church to finish up the whole funeral thing, while Steve just wanted to sit beside the grave. Sharon stayed, she looked at Steve with pity, ‘She loves you.’ Steve nodded, he wasn't sure what to say. ‘I found these when I packed Aunt Peggy’s belongings, I thought you might want to keep these.’ They were a diary and letter, to him. Sharon put them down and left him to be.

Steve picked them up, stared at the neat handwriting of Peggy, as beautiful as he remembered. He opened the diary, he wasn't sure if he had the right to do it, but he did it anyway. Peggy kept writing diary as a habit, she wrote time to time since the day Steve went down.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_It's been 2 hours since you went down, we lost all your connections, are you alright out there? It must be freezing there, but with the serum,I know you'll be able to power through. Colonel Philip and Howard have already sent out man to look for you, please, hold on, Steve._

_You've got a date with me, the one we rain checked for so many times.I'm holding on to our date, so you better come back and dance with me._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 1 without you_

 

Steve’s heart ached.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_Please, just come back. I need you._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 2 without you_

 

Steve could feel her desperation by only reading this. He was so sorry for disappointed her.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_I'm not quite sure why am I writing this, since you may never be able to read it. But I suppose it helped me to ease the pain of losing you._

_It's been 3 days since we lost your coordination, Colonel Philip has already typed your letter to your family, but then he realized you had no one to send the letter to._

_Though, Colonel Philip told us you would be dead by now, Howard and I couldn't accept that, and I know Colonel Philip thinks the same, even though he'll never admit it. We were trying our best to find you, but with the war ongoing, it's gonna be rather hard. We don't have much resources, since the men were all in the war, but I promise you I won't give you up. We will bring you home._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 3 without you_

 

Steve could barely see the letter coz the most of the words were blurry due to the tears fell on the letter from Peggy’s eyes. He could felt the pain that Peggy had felt years ago when she first lost him. He turned to another page.

_Dear Steve,_

_You missed our date. Remember? Stork Club,8 o'clock on the dot? This time you weren't just late, you didn't not show up, though you have a pretty good reason for not showing up and I couldn't really blame you on this._

_I had the band played something slow, in case you suddenly decided to show up and surprise me, but you didn't, guess I was hoping too much, that it physically hurt when I realized you wouldn't be able to come._

_I had a couple of drinks that I was so drunk and Howard needed to carried me back, I was such a mess, wasn't I? I am regretting of not telling you my feeling sooner, there were so many chances that I could tell you how I felt, yet I did not. Damn my bloody pride, and fear. And now being with you is my biggest ‘What If?’_

_I've been missing you everyday, I need to you to come back, hold me in your hands, and tell me everything will be alright. Please, Steve, come back to me, I need you._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 7 without you_

 

Steve wanted to tell her how sorry he is, for missing the date, he wanted to tell her how much he loves her, but he couldn't. He was blaming himself for not thinking of another way to escape the plane, maybe that way he wouldn't be frozen for 70 years, and he could come back to Peggy, go to Stork Club at 8 o'clock on the dot. But now...everything is too late. Tears escaped from Steve's eyes, fell on the letter, fell on the words that Peggy wrote. The ink speared as it met his tears.

_Dear Steve,_

_Howard and I had been searching for you for weeks, yet we couldn't find you. Where are you now?_

_Colonel Philip told us to give up, saying you won't be alive, I know he was telling the truth, yet I can't help but have a little hope, that you are still alive, after all you are the only success from Dr. Erskine._

_The war is gonna end soon, I can feel it. But I'm quite certain that it won't end well._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 27 without you_

 

Turned out Peggy was right, Steve is alive. And now he was reading her heartbreaking diary. Feeling the pain that she used to feel.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_The war has ended, it ended rather brutally. It ended in a way that I know you wouldn't approve. The US government set an atomic bomb in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, civilians died. Yet , they did it, saying it was for the greater good._

_I'm sorry that I can't stop it, then again, who would ever listen to a woman in these years?_

_Howard was off to find you again, turned out we were both fairly stubborn in finding you. If you could, please tell me where you are, as exchange, being late for our date could be forgiven._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 72 without you_

 

Steve then remembered they never dance, not even after Steve woke up, coz Peggy was too old, too weak, to have a dance with Steve, though Peggy wanted it, her body didn't allow her.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_After the war ended, I was no longer needed, I was assigned back to the SSR office. Unlike Colonel Philip, men in the office see me as a secretary, a girl who need protection. I know you would stand up for me if you were here, but I guess I'm alone in this fight now since most men in the office are the total opposite of you._

_I am treated as a secretary, there are no more field work, no more coding breaking, no more soldier training, all I do now, is taking lunch order , but I shall prove them wrong, just like you proved Colonel Philip wrong._

_I know you have faith in me, as I too, have faith in you, I shall not let you down._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 158 without you_

 

Steve looked at the letter with a soft smile, he knew what Peggy was capable of, he never doubted her ability for a single second. It was a shame that her collages thought otherwise. How much he wanted to tell Peggy that she had never let him down.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_I know it sound stupid, but I go to the Stork Club every Saturday, thinking maybe you just misheard the date of our date, so you didn't come on time. I will wait for you, every Saturday, 8 o'clock on the dot, I will wait for you to come until the day I can't carry on anymore._

 

_Howard found the Tesseract, in the bottom of the Arctic when he fished out for you. He said it's possible that you're in somewhere near. I tried not to keep my hope high, but I really hope he can find you, alive or not, coz you deserve a proper burial._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 280 without you_

 

Steve let her down, not that he wanted to, but he still let her down.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_I haven't wrote to you for awhile now, I put all my heart in my work. I thought works could numb myself, so I won't have time to notice the hole in my heart._

_I've been on a secret mission, under the SSR’s nose. Men in the office never let me out, so when Howard asked for my help, I took my chance._

_I disguised as a blonde, went into a ball full of famous people, carefully dodged all the cameras. Found my way to the target, and got what I need. I thought I've done my work neatly, but they sent out an assassin after me, I won the fight, but Steve, I got my roommate killed. She was such a nice girl, yet she died because of me. I'm such a bad luck, ain't I? Everyone near me died. I didn't do a good job in keeping people safe, especially you. I'm sorry. I know if you were here, you'd tell me it wasn’t my fault, but I just can't help it. Is that how you felt when you lost Barnes?_

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 372 without you_

 

Seeing Peggy bested herself up for Steve’s decision and her friend’s death, didn't make him feel better. He really wanted to her it wasn't her fault that he chose to crash the plane.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_Howard has been charged with treason, I was told that he had been selling weapons to enemy, but I know better then that, he would never do this._

_Howard has come to me for help, I have to clear his name or else he might be sentenced to death._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 396 without you_

 

Steve never knew that Howard was once hunted by the government, maybe that's because Peggy eventually cleared his name. He was proud that Peggy did such a good job.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_Howard lied to me, he said I was only retrieving a weapon that could bomb off the whole New York, but he was actually hiding your last vial of blood._

_I was pissed, I punched him in the face. I can't believe he did that. I trusted him, why would he do that?_

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day_ _400 without you_

 

Steve remembered giving out samples of blood, for recreating Dr. Erskine’s work.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_Howard almost bombed off the whole New York today. He under the spell of the Russian doctor, he thought he was flyingg the plane to you, to get you home._

_I really hope he was, but no, the spell would get him kill the civilians, I had to stop him. I talked him down, saying you're gone a year ago, that what he saw wasn't real, we have to move on._

_It kills me to tell him that you're truly gone, for almost a year now, Steve. I told Howard to move on, yet I can't do it. I can't move on, I still can't forget about you._

_There was only one kiss, yet it feels like you are the love of my life, well... I suppose you are. Steve, I can't forget the little kid from Brooklyn, I can't forget you, I can't, especially when you called me your best girl and still, owes me a dance. I still remember your awkwardness around girls, your bright blue eyes, your lips, your jawline, and of course your bravery, your selfless heart. It isn't easy to fall in love with others, when you fell for such a perfect person,is it? I still love you, Steve, even after you're gone for a year now._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 412 without you_

 

Steve couldn't take it anymore, he closed the diary, leaned on the grave. Let his heart torn into pieces. ‘What did I do to deserve your love, Peg? You should have move on, you deserve so much more, not waiting for me for your whole life. You deserve a happy ending, not an unfulfilled wish. I'm so sorry that I didn't come back in time, that I didn't take you to dance, that I wasn't with you when you had no one.’ Steve couldn't control his tears.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_It's been a year since I wrote to you, Steve,I've met a man. He was a college from the SSR, his name is Daniel Sousa. He is rather a lovely guy, and I know he likes me._

_He's been trying to ask me for a drink, I did answer his wish, go for a drink with him, for a couple times actually. I tried to move on, I guess that's what you'd want me to do, right? And after 2 years, I thought I would be able to move on, but it just doesn't feel right to be with anyone except you._

_You really did a good job in stealing my heart, you know? It's not fair that you never return it. I went to the club again, I guess going to the club become a habit of mine. The owner could now recognize me, I requested the band to play something slow, as always. Hoping that someday, I shall meet you in the club and tell you how much I love you._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 756 without you_

 

Steve spend all his afternoon reading her diary. Feeling what she once felt through her words.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_I become a mother now. Well, technically not a mother, I'm now Tony Stark’ s godmother, and do you know you are supposed to be his godfather?_

_It was so strange to finally see Howard settled down, having a family and all that kind of stuff, I guess people do change, don't they?_

_But seeing Howard has a lovely family, makes me wonder the possibility of being with you. We could have got married, have two kids, a boy and a girl, they will be born with our stubbornness, born to be a fighter. But, it was just my imagination, wasn't it? Even if you come back, I shall be too old for you now._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 10671 without you_

 

Steve gave out a sad smile when he thought of the possibility of being with Peggy, the idea of building a family with her. It was once his biggest dream, but when he came out of the ice, that dream vanished, taken away from him.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_Tony is growing so fast, he's already teenage now. He is such a lovely boy, everyone adores him. Howard is so proud of him, though he never show it to Tony, but I know deep down, Howard loves Tony more than anything._

_But Steve,Howard is putting too much time in finding you that sometimes, he forgot he has a son. Howard's never good at showing his emotions, and poor Tony never understand him. Their relationship is cold as ice. I tried to warn Howard that if he keep searching for you and keep ignoring his son, things will go south, but he doesn't seem to understand, I tried to tell him stop, but Steve, a small part of me still want him to continue his search, I am so selfish,ain't I? We are such a fool that after these years, we still believe that we can bring you home, well at least there's what the other said, but damn them, they don't know a bloody thing you and your value._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 16475 without you_

 

Steve never meant to hurt Tony that way, he never expected Howard would still not give up after he went down for decades. He was grateful that he had such a good friend that have faith in him.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_Howard is dead. He was killed in a car accident, well… at least that's what the agents said. I am no longer the head of SHIELD, the council seems to think that I'm too old for that, they had me retired._

_Though, they claimed that Howard is killed in a car accident, I know something is wrong. Howard and I discussed about it a few days before his death, we actually suspected for quite a long time, we thought there is something wrong in SHIELD, like something has been going on inside SHIELD. And now, I've lost my influence inside SHIELD, it's only gonna be harder for me to dig out the truth. I know Howard is assassinated, soon it will be my turn. I need to find out who's behind all this._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 16957 without you_

 

Steve didn't know that Howard was assassinated until Zola admitted it, he was shocked and sorry about Howard's tragic death, and that Howard would never be able to know that Steve is alive.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_I can finally feel that I'm aging now. It's not the increase of wrinkles or the number of white hair on my head that remind me I'm getting old._

_My physical abilities fail me, I could no longer run or punch like I used to, my muscles are weakening, sickness hit me like a train. I fainted the other day when I was searching information on the assassin. After a long search of three and a half years, I found something. They called him The Winter Soldier, and I know he is probably the assassin that murdered Howard.I was trying to to track him down, but it's gonna be very hard. Help me in this Steve._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 18245 without you_

 

Steve wondered why did Hydra never try to kill her, after all Peggy should be a bigger threat comparing to Howard,though he was happy to know that she was not killed years ago, and he could still see her after he awoke, even though seeing her hurt like hell.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_After I fainted weeks ago, I keep forgetting things. At first, I thought it was nothing, I ignored it, but then I feel dizzy quite frequently, I thought it was due to my age, but it doesn't feel right. So I decided to go to a doctor._

_Steve, I was confirm with Alzheimer's, the doctor said I will slowly forget things. Firstly with the recent memory, then I'll be losing my past memories, and eventually I'll forget everything. Steve I'm so scared, I'm so afraid of forgetting about you._

_I'm frightened that when you come back, I can't remember you. How even can I avenge for Howard when I keep forgetting things, and can't keep my hand steady? I don't know what to do, I am so bloody lost and frustrated._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 18300 without you_

 

It hurt him to see Peggy lost her faith in herself. It hurt him that he wasn't there for her when she need him. It hurt like hell.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_I don't know how long I could continue writing to you, it took me days to finally find the diary coz I forgot where I put it._

_My Alzheimer is getting worse. Maybe it's time for me to let go, of everything, not only you. Maybe it's a hint for me to put down the world from my shoulders. I've been carrying the safety of the world since I have become an agent, maybe it's time for the others to take care of it._

_I don't know what SHIELD is hiding from me, but maybe it can keep the world safe before you come back. I believe agent Fury could keep it in good shape for awhile. If you come back and witness how SHIELD turn bad, for my sake, take it down. I believe in you, do what you think is right._

_And maybe for the last time, I love you, more than anything._

_Love,_

_Peggy_

_Day 19546 without you_

 

It's safe to say that when Steve finished reading Peggy’s diary, he was shattered. He never expected someone as perfect as Peggy would ever fell for him, an awkward boy who has no idea how to talk to a woman. Yet, she did, and she had spent her life on grieving. Steve was guilty for this, for making her wait, for wasting her youth, for making her life a tragedy.

Steve learnt more about her life afterwards, about how she found SHIELD, how she was broken with her friends died, about her relationship with Tony.

He never really got the chance to know more about her life after he went down, she forgot most of her recent memories. Yet, she still remember her long pass memories, her wartime memories, those times her spent with Steve, with Howard, with the Howling Commandos, even those with Colonel Philip. But sometimes when Steve visited her, she would look at him like he's a stranger. And sometimes she would suddenly looked at him, like she was seeing a ghost, asked him with her shaking voice, if he was real or not, like the first time she found out that he's alive, it killed him to look at her heartbreaking stares, every single time.

It's almost evening when he finally finished reading her diary. The dim sunlight was shining on Steve and Peggy's grave when he open up her letter, writing her final words to him.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_If you’re reading this letter, that means I’m probably not here with you anymore, well, physically at least. My time is up, I can feel it, that’s why I’m writing this letter to you, to say my final goodbye. It’s okay to cry, my darling, but please, don’t drown yourself with sadness._

 

Tears rushed out from Steve’s eyes, dropped on Peggy’s writing. It’s hard to read with his eyes were cloudy, even with his enhanced eyes.

 

_With my serious Alzheimer, memory loss is the main problem, but in these few days, I started to remember, from my early life to you being alive. They said when people are dying, they started to remember their long lost memories, their recent memories, everything flashes before their eyes. That’s how I know I’m dying, I flashbacked. I know there isn’t much time, and I know you won’t be able to see me for the last time because of the heavy work you have, but that’s okay, Steve, I understand._

 

He had once again left her for saving the world. Sometimes, he wishes someone could take over his responsibilities, but he couldn’t coz that’s not how he is. Being a selfless man, he sacrificed his life, left his loved one just to save the world over and over again. And this time, he lost his last chance of seeing the love of his life, and now he regretted.

 

 _There’s so many things I wanted to tell you, but never did. Maybe it’s because of my pride, maybe because we are both too shy, maybe it’s because we thought we had time, so I never tell you about my feeling expect that kiss, but at last, we lost our chance. I can’t even tell you when you came out from the Arctic, because I’m scared, and I don’t even know what am I scaring of._ _And now I'm dying, I figure there is nothing I should be scared of._

 

_When I first met you, I was rather surprised. I never thought the army would let a man whose weight was only 90 pounds to join. You are fairly small and short for an grownup, but the spirit behind your determined gaze stood you out. I could see through your eyes that you respected me, unlike the other men in the camp, and I really appreciated it._

Steve remembered the day when he first met Peggy.

 

**_‘Gentlemen I am Agent Carter.’_ **

 

Where she spoke so firmly with pride. And when Peggy punched the disrespectful soldier, he almost laughed out loud, but that's the moment when Peggy first caught his eyes.

 

_Throughout the training, you were the brightest one. You think before act, unlike the other men, who only followed order, and did things without thinking. Do you remember the time you took the flag that ‘No one has ever taken for 17 years’? That showed how different you are from the others, and to be honest, you did amused me, and afterwards, I noticed you even more._

 

_I think you at some point knew that I fell for you, but I never tell you when._

 

Steve didn't really know, he thought maybe it's when he returned to the camp after missing for 3 days, when she looked at him, he could finally tell there's something sparkling in her eyes.

_I bet your guess is wrong, after all, you're rather oblivious when it comes to women. I fell for you when you launch yourself on the grenade and told everyone to get back. Your bravery, your selflessness, your sacrificial did not just prove Colonel Philip wrong, you're not just some skinny kid, you're a good man, and what you did warmed my heart, and before I knew it, I fell for you, the pre-serum skinny Steve, hard. That's why I always keep your first photo taken in the camp, in which you're still a rather short and skinny kid, to remember the kid from Brooklyn that I fell for, the good man I loves, not just Captain America._

 

Having Peggy loves him was a surprise, but what surprised him more is Peggy fell for pre-serum Steve. He really didn't think any dame would ever fall for him, maybe Peggy is really an exception, an unexpectedly perfect exception.

 

_I have only been heartbroken twice. I felt my first heartbreak when my brother, Michael died in the war. He was very supportive, he was the one that encouraged me to join the SSR, to go for what I desire. He was also quite protective, what a pity that two of my favorite men never met, I know he'd like you because you're the most humble man in this world, and you're so respectful,even to me. And with you, my wound healed because you enlightened my life._

 

_Then I had my heart broken again when you went down. It hurt even more than the time when Michael passed away, and this time no one can heal my ripped heart. I tried to move on, but I realized I can't, and I don't want to. It's probably not healthy to grieve and mourn you for my whole life. Yet, I did._

 

Steve knows he will be just like Peggy, grieving, mourning for the love of his life, for the rest of his life. Living with a holed heart.

 

_But there came a time when I realized I still have to live my life, so I decided to take up your responsibility, to fight for the world. When Howard suggested building up SHIELD, I didn't even think twice before I said yes. I wanted to protect the world that you died saving for, so we found SHIELD. And yes, if you've ever wonder, we called it Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division on purpose, to spell it's initials to S.H.I.E.L.D, to pay a tribute to you, and your sacrifice._

 

_I've dedicated my whole life to SHIELD, to fight against the bad, to protect the world from dangers. I foolishly thought if I drown myself in work, kept myself busy, then I wouldn't have time to notice the hole in my heart. I could avoid pain. It did work for a while but it didn't take long for me to realize I was a fool to ever think that it would work. I could feel the missing piece in my heart everyday, it's almost impossible to not notice. I eventually learnt how to live with pain, with a broken heart, with a missing piece, with missing you every single day that it hurt like hell._

 

_Even though loving you broke my heart, I never regret it. Fell for you is the one thing that I will never regret, if I could turn back time, I would still fall for you, and make my first move sooner._

 

It is probably the one thing they would both do, if they could ever turn back time, to love sooner. Even if they ended up with a tragedy, at least they were in love, with both of them acknowledged.

 

_I once did lose my hope, blaming you for leaving me, alone. I once thought you would never come back, to me, but I know better, you would come back for the world. When the world need you, you will show up, because you're a good man, and I know you will set things right._

 

_Though, I have faith in you, I once thought that in my lifetime, I could never see you again. When Fury told me that you're alive, I thought he was lying, until I saw you popped up on telly. It was a big news to me, but with my Alzheimer, I keep forgetting the fact that you're now alive. When you first come to me, I was surprised because I forgot what Fury told me. I know how hard it was for you, to see me forgetting about you being alive for so many times, that you have to explain it all over again. The love, the pain, the remorse in your eyes exposed you. Don't feel guilty for me, loving you is my choice, you have no responsibility on this._

 

Even Peggy said so, the guilt in his heart wouldn't disappear, it’d only grow stronger.

 

_You have to try to live a life in this modern age, maybe someday you'll find a girl who could appreciate you in the way that Barnes and I did. Maybe, you'll never find one, but it's okay, don't force yourself to be in love, just do what you want to do. You don't have to care what others think, I know your value, so do you._

 

Steve doubted he could ever fall for anyone except Peggy. His heart has already taken by a girl who appreciates him before he turned into a super soldier 70 years ago.

 

_Steve, I know the world is changing, Avengers, Inhuman, Asgard, all that kind of stuff. Maybe, you still don't know what that means, but I do. The world is changing too fast that human could not keep up, they will be scared, they will be terrified of the idea of Avengers, and eventually they would want you to compromise._

 

_I know you won't yield, and you don't have to. After all, the fall of SHIELD, proved government cannot be trusted, even in this day I still couldn't believe the Hydra had grown under my watch for so many years. Everything controlled by genders cannot trusted, you can only trust yourself._

 

Even in her old age, her intelligent did not fade. She understands everything and can predict the future measure that would be taken. She is good as that. She never gets wrong.

 

_Don't give yourself in, Steve. You're a good man, not only a soldier, I know you will make the right decision, even though the world might not agree with you, but that's okay, the world often disagree with the righteous. Compromise where you can. And where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right, even if the world is telling you to move. It is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eyes and tell them, ‘No, you move.’_

 

_The world may not be on your side, but remember I'll always be on your side. After all you're the symbol of freedom and righteous. I have faith in you, I know you won't mock things up like we did._

 

Peggy’s words always encourage him. Just like the time when she told him that he was meant for more than a lab rat or a dancing monkey, he took the chance to save Bucky. The time when she told her Bucky's death wasn't his fault, and told him he won't be alone, he destroyed Red Skull’s last base. The time when she told him to get Red Skull, and kissed him, he jumped on the plane and got Red Skull. The time when she promised him a date, he crashed the plane. The time when she told him he can only do his best, he took down SHIELD. It is always Peggy who gives him courage, who has faith in him. And now she is again guiding him to the right decision, encouraging him to to the right thing.

 

_Now I'm leaving you, only physically. I'll always be in your heart, just like you are still in my heart for almost 70 years. I will always be there when you need me, guiding you, just like you've been guiding me to do the right things. I'll always be with you._

 

_I've been loving you for 70 years, and I'll always love you like the first day I fell for you. Live well until the day we meet again. Then you can tell me about your life adventures when we had our dance._

 

_One last thing, I love you more than anything._

_Love,_

_Your Best Girl Peggy_

_27th April, 2016_

Steve hadn't feel so much pain for so many years, not since the fall of Bucky, and the pass of Peggy pained him so much that his heart physically hurt. He put down the letter, stared the grave, redeeming himself. His tears hasn't stop falling since he read her diary and her letter, Steve's eyes were then red and puffy, but he still cannot control his rainfall.

He leaned on Peggy's grave, trying to memorize every little feature of her, her curly brown hair, her chocolate brown eyes, her red lips, everything. Opened up his compass, Peggy was looking straight into him, she still looked as pretty as ever, timeless, but she was no longer alive. He slowly tired himself and fell asleep on Peggy's grave. He could not feel her warmth, only the coldness from the marble, it kept reminding him that Peggy is gone. Even in his dream, pain was still haunting him.

When his tears fell out again, he found Peggy was right in front of him, smiling. ‘Come on Steve, don't cry. We will meet again, sooner than you think. After all, you still owe me a dance. Don't be too sad or guilty, it's my choice to love you, and I regret nothing. Just remember I'm here, in your heart.’ She pointed at in heart. He could feel the warmth in his heart, full of her.

Steve was found asleep on Peggy grave in the next morning, when he was supposed to sign the Sokovia Accords in the other side of the earth. But it doesn’t matter now, he is not going to sign the Accords, even if the world is telling him to. He will no longer compromise.

Sometimes, people forget Steve Rogers is not only Captain America, he is also a person, with emotions. He has already sacrificed enough. With losing Peggy, Steve could not bear lose his one last friend from his childhood. He is going to save Bucky, with whatever it takes, and he knows Peggy will support and guide him to do the right thing.

**The End**


End file.
